I apologize in advance.

NEWS FLASH: MICHAEL PHELPS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE.

I know, I know, all of your mouths are gaping in shock, but it's true. I keep hearing about how Michael Phelps is so hot and his swimmer's body is just so amazing. But I was watching him the other night when he got his 8th gold medal and I saw him on the news this morning. I've seen him before, but I guess I just didn't really take notice of whether or not he's cute. He's not. His torso is freakishly long, he has big ears, his mouth is humongous (and he always seems to have it open), and the top of his body is bigger than the bottom half. I will say he has nice abs. But they lie to close to his speedo and then I just get turned off again.

So snap those jaws shut and move on with your lives.

But hey, congrats on those medals, Mikey. And on the whole world record thing. Lord knows I couldn't do it. Good job on proving you don't have to be pretty to be an Olympic Gold Medalist. (Should those words be capitalized? *shoulder shrug* Whatever. I just dissed Michael Phelps so rage will distract them from noticing such things.)